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Test
Stress: What You Can Do
Is your child afraid of school tests? Some kids are, even as
early as age five or six. If you see a fearful pattern beginning
to emerge, you'll probably want to ask your child why he's afraid.
But most likely you'll hear the perennial, "I don't know."
Stay calm. If you're upset about his anxiety, your child will
sense it. But don't dismiss his fear, either, by saying, "You'll
do fine." Your child will sense a distinct lack of caring about
his feelings. It's also important to avoid showing disappointment
in a bad grade. Instead of telling your child how you feel about
the grade, let your child express how he feels about it.
What you need to do next is determine why he's afraid and what
exactly the problem is. Test anxiety can have several different
causes, and you can often find the source of the problem if you go
over the test with your child.
Some children don't do well on tests and come to fear them. If
this is the case, you can try coaching your child in some specific
test-taking strategies, such as those described by Joseph Casbarro
in his book Test Anxiety and What You Can Do About It.
These include looking over the entire test before starting,
eliminating choices in a multiple-choice exam that your child
knows for sure are incorrect, answering easy items first, and
watching the time.
Another possibility is that your child knew the answers and
still failed a test, which makes him afraid to try again. Try to
determine if your child read the questions too quickly or failed
to understand the directions. Many kids misread directions and
questions, often from carelessness. If this is the case with your
child, have him practice reading more slowly and carefully.
Some children fear tests even when they don't fail. It may be
that your child is afraid of making mistakes. If so, let him know
that everybody does. Another possibility is that your child may
worry about letting you down. He may feel that too much emphasis
is placed on achievement or that he receives praise only when he
does well. One parent I know criticized her daughter for getting a
98 on a math test. Instead of focusing on the positive score, she
questioned her child about what she got wrong.
But the problem may run deeper. Your child may be distracted
because she's overscheduled and has too much to do. Many kids
these days are trying to do too much, too soon, too fast -- music
lessons, dance classes, soccer practice, Girl Scouts -- all in
addition to getting their homework done on time. How much can your
child take? How much can you take?
The ancient Greeks had a very important belief. "Everything in
moderation." This applies to children, too. With your help,
children as young as seven can plan their own days. Here's how you
can help:
- Make a list of all the activities your child has
participated in -- and any new ones she has expressed interest
in.
- Ask your child to cross out anything she would or could
discontinue.
- Of the remaining activities, ask her to put a star next to
those that she must have in her life.
- Let your child plan her time. Include time for homework and
that important time to just play with her friends.
- Ask her if she thinks there's time for all the activities in
her plan.
After going through this process, most children will see the
need to make important choices in life, such as how to decide
which activities are of greatest interest to them. If your
daughter thinks a different activity once a week for an hour is
enough to satisfy her, let her try that. If your son would rather
spend time perfecting skills in one area, that's OK, too. What's
important is that they made the decision themselves: kids will
learn to schedule time for what they have to do and still have
time for what they want to do. They are more likely to stick to
their own plan -- altering it when necessary to better suit their
needs -- than one their parents created.
Balance, moderation, and a plan of their own will help your
children feel more in control, better prepared for their tests,
and less stressed. And the less stress they're under, the less
you'll be under as well.
As Maurice Elias of Rutgers University tells us, "We must prepare
our children for the tests of life, not a life of tests." And by
doing that, they may actually feel less anxious about the tests
they have to take.
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Parents Have Feelings, Too
Your four-year-old keeps jumping on the couch with his shoes
on. You love looking at his happy face; you delight in his
exuberance. But you also want him to know that you have feelings,
too, and that right now, you're concerned that he'll ruin the sofa
cushions. You feel like yelling, "Get off the couch, you'll get it
all dirty!" but you also know that yelling doesn't work: your
child tunes it out.
Your six-year-old is sitting on the living room rug and
finger-painting. You love the fact that she can amuse herself and
that she wants to express herself through art. But you've also
told her time and time again that she can't paint on the rug, and
that wherever she paints, she has to cover the area with
newspaper. You have feelings, too. So you sit down with her and
explain why you don't want her to paint on the rug. Yet you don't
want to squelch her creative energy. You talk. She nods. But you
wonder if she heard a word that you said.
What can you do instead? First, assume that your children
aren't defying you on purpose. They don't want to dirty the couch
cushions or stain your rug with finger paint. They're simply not
thinking of you at all. And that's the problem.
Here's how you can involve your child in a conversation that
will help him reach his own goals while understanding your point
of view:
When a child jumps on the couch, ask, "What might happen if you
jump on the couch?"
Some kids might say, "I don't know," or more defiantly, "I
don't care."
Try not to get excited, and calmly say, "I know if you think
really hard, you can think of something that might happen."
If your child says, "You'll make me go to my room," you can
guide him without telling him by asking, "And what could happen if
you don't see where you're jumping?" The idea here is for children
to recognize why jumping or running inside is not a good idea,
rather than to have them react to the external threat of being
yelled at or sent to their room.
Now if your child says, "I might get hurt," or, "I might get
something dirty," you can ask, "How might you feel about
that?" Most children will say, "Sad." Follow that with, "How do
you think I will feel if that happens?" Most children will
say, "Sad," or "Mad." Finally, ask, "Can you think of a
different place to jump [or paint] so that won't happen, and
we both won't feel sad or mad?"
When one dad I know asked his four-year-old daughter these
questions, she thought of her own solution: that outside would be
a good place to jump -- and off she went with a smile on her face.
Dad was smiling, too. He recognized his daughter's needs, while
she recognized that Dad has feelings, too.
Here's another scenario. Your ten-year-old and seven-year-old
are playing tag in the dining room, running for their lives. As
they tear through, the vase on the table wobbles and falls to the
floor, where it shatters. You're livid. You spank them and send
them to their rooms. But that doesn't accomplish very much. Now
each boy is angry with the other for getting them both in trouble.
They're both mad at you for not understanding that they didn't
break the vase on purpose. And you're furious at both of them for
being so careless and thoughtless.
If your children actually break something, you can ask the same
kinds of questions as above:
"Was the dining room a good place to run?" "What happened
when you ran?"
"How do you feel about what happened?" "How do you think I feel
about it?"
"Where is a good place to play?"
"What are you going to think about the next time you want to
play tag inside the house?"
In this way, children will grow accustomed to factoring your
needs into their equation. But the problem won't entirely disappear.
Many preteens are still oblivious to anyone's needs other than
their own. Here's how another dad helped his preteen daughters see
that different people can feel different ways about the same
thing, by asking them, "How can this be?"
DAD: Let's make up a story about two girls your age. Alice
loves to play music really loud; it makes her feel good. Her
sister Mary hears the same music and feels angry. How can this
be?
EMILY: Maybe Alice is remembering how loud the music was at
the dance at the school last week. She loves to dance to really
loud music.
TINA: But if Mary's trying to do her homework, then the music
is probably bothering her.
DAD: Good thinking. Now you make up a story like mine.
EMILY: Eve got a soccer ball for her birthday and she felt
really happy. Carol got one but she felt scared. Eve loves
soccer and Carol is always afraid of getting hit in the head.
TINA: Jackie felt proud because she got the lead in the
school play. Cindi didn't even want to try out for the part
because she's afraid of forgetting her lines.
Both girls now understand that different people can feel
different ways about the same thing. When disagreements arise at
home, this dad need only remind his daughters of their stories,
and ask, "How can this be?" No more usually needs to be said.
You can also play the "How do people feel about things?" game.
Here's how:
Start with a good-feeling word, like happy. Ask your
child, "What makes you happy?" Then ask, "What else? Try to think
of five things."
After your child has answered, say, "Now tell me what might
make your friend Tom feel happy? How about Grandma? What about Dr.
Peters?"
When your child answers, say, "Now we're going to make this
game a little harder. What might make your friend, Grandma, and
Dr. Peters feel happy?" She may say something like, "An ice-cream
cone.
Then ask, "What might make Tom feel happy but not Grandma?"
Your child may say, "A video game."
"What would make Grandma feel happy but not Tom?" you can ask
next.
"A visit to the museum," your child may say.
Next, you can play the game with other feeling words, like
sad, angry, disappointed, and worried.
Dialogues like these encourage children to develop the capacity
to take their own needs and the needs of others into consideration
at the same time and to come up with a mutually agreeable
solution. It's one of the best ways we can equip our children for
all the relationships they'll develop over the course of their
lives.
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Homework: When to Do It
The homework wars. They erupt in so many households. Parents
remind children of their assignments, then nag. Children whine and
procrastinate. Many times, it's bedtime and your child's homework
is still incomplete, or perhaps not even begun. How do you handle
it?
Here's what happened when one mom, Louise, used demands and
threats with seven-year-old Darnell.
MOM: Darnell, you've been home from school for nearly an hour
and you haven't even begun your homework. No TV and no friends
over until it's done.
DARNELL: But Mom, I'll do it!
MOM: We go through this every day. I want it done now. If you
don't, you won't get it done at all and your teacher will be
angry, and you'll fall behind in school.
The trouble was that Louise was talking at Darnell, not to him.
Here's how she learned to involve her son using the problem-
solving approach.
MOM: Darnell, what subjects do you have for homework tonight?
DARNELL: Spelling words, math, and science.
MOM: Which do you want to do first?
DARNELL: I guess my words.
MOM: Good. Do you want to work on your words before or
after your snack?
DARNELL: After.
MOM: OK -- and what will you do after you finish your
words?
DARNELL: Play outside.
MOM: OK -- and will you do your math before or after
dinner?
DARNELL: Before.
MOM: And science?
DARNELL: After.
MOM: Darnell, I'm very proud of you. You made your own plan.
This is a good start. Once your child starts thinking of his
own plan, as Darnell did, you can ask some additional questions,
such as:
"How long do you think your math will take?"
"What will you do if it turns out you need more time?"
"What will you say or do if your friend calls while you're in
the middle of your math homework?"
And, if your child is old enough to tell time:
"At what time will you begin the next subject?"
Children as young as seven love to make their own plans. That
way, they feel involved in the planning process and committed to
the outcome.
Older children need to make plans for more complex tasks.
Amelia, age eleven, had a report on a historical event due in two
weeks, and it was her style to wait until the night before to
begin reading the book. And the more her mother nagged her to
start earlier, the more Amelia resisted. Mom tried a different
tack by asking these questions:
"When is your report due?"
"How many days do you have to do it?"
"What's the first thing you have to do?"
"How long do you think that will take?"
"Then what do you have to do?"
"How long do you think that will take?"
Dividing more complex tasks into smaller steps, leaving enough
time for each step, can help reduce stress and the sense of being
overwhelmed. Amelia realized she had to do some research on her
topic, chose both the Internet and the library, estimated how long
each would take and how long it would take to actually write up
her report. Using a calendar, she counted the days she estimated
for each step and figured in time for the rest of her homework and
other activities. With practice, she got better at all this with
each assignment and soon had her short- and long-range projects
completed in time to get a good night's sleep before they were
due. With a little effort, and guidance from you, your child can
get skilled at this, too.
When your child is able to plan his time, whether for short- or
long-term projects, he will feel more in control while learning
about responsibility, organization, and time management. Not only
will he probably enjoy school more, but he can rely on these
skills for the rest of his life.
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Copyright © 2004 Myrna B.
Shure
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