Parenting Tips On The Air

The Parenting Tips displayed below are also displayed on the website of the New Jersey Juvenile Justice Commission Website at www.njjjc.org/mbs_parenting_intro.htm. Please browse the rest of their website to learn more about the services available from the Commission.

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The tips are airing on WINS AM Radio (serving parts of NJ; NY; CT) and KYW AM Radio (serving parts of NJ; PA; DE) on alternate Thursdays between 10:00AM and 3:00PM from November 17, 2005 through June 22, 2006.

Thank you to the New Jersey Governor’s Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention Committee for funding “Primary Prevention in the Public Eye: Parenting Tips on the Air.”

The goal is to help children develop genuine empathy for others, and to prevent them from developing dangerous, unhealthy lifestyles.

For more information about community-based services supported by the New Jersey Juvenile Justice Commission, please contact Nicole Gordon at (609) 341-5059.

PARENTING TIPS

1. Kids Who Bully

Do kids who hurt others feel the pain of their victims? Do they even care about themselves?

Once I asked a 4-year-old what happened when he hit a child to get a toy. He said, “He hit me, but I don’t care.” Did he really care more about getting what he wanted than about what would happen to him?

Maybe he really did care but couldn’t think of other ways to satisfy his needs.

Do children who hurt others become so consumed with getting what they want that they don’t think about feelings at all?

Are they so used to getting hurt themselves that they become immune to what happens to them? And to others?

In light of growing violence in our nation’s youth, perhaps children who say, “I don’t care,” should make us take special pause.

Kids who can solve problems important to them now will be thinking, feeling human beings who will be able to solve problems important to them later.

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2. Being the Victim of a Bully

Is your child picked on, teased by classmates, left out of cliques at school?

Here’s some ways you can help.

• First, let her know you care, really care.
   
• Help her think of one thing she’s really good at, to help her focus on her strengths -- and may help get those classmates to see her in a new light.
   
• You can then help her think through what she can do or say so kids will stop teasing her.

One 9-year-old boy was called “Bacon” ‘cause he was fat. Instead of unleashing a good swift kick, he paused -- then looked at him and said, “Yeah, and I sizzle, I sizzle.”

What a different outcome that might have been if this boy couldn’t control his anger, or walked away pouting.

Children can learn to change behaviors they can change, and to respond to children who tease them about things they cannot.

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3. Is Your Child Mercilessly Teased?

Is your child having problems keeping up in school? Is something else on his mind?

You can help your child learn to talk about his thoughts and feelings. Ask:

• What happened in school today that made you feel happy?
   
• Did anything happen that made you feel mad, or sad?
   
• Did you do or say anything to help yourself feel better?

One 10-year-old, mercilessly teased by her classmates told me, “I can’t concentrate on my schoolwork when kids call me “retard,” and “four eyes.” She thought about what she could do to solve the problem, then wrote a letter telling the kids how she felt about what they were doing.

This girl took control. She did not give up. She told them how she thinks and feels about being teased. Her classmates gained new respect for her.

Some children who are failing at math don’t necessarily need more math. They need to relieve the stress that’s preventing them from focusing on the math they’re getting.

We must give our kids the skills to do that.

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4. Peer Pressures at School

Is peer pressure to smoke, try drugs, or drink alcohol a problem now? How can you know?

Look for signs of stress, change in body posture, enthusiasm for school, even a drop in grades.

Avoid lecturing or telling your child what to do. Instead, ask questions to help her think. about what she’s doing. Ask:

• What are your hopes and dreams?
   
• What might happen to your hopes and dreams if you smoke cigarettes, or try drugs?
   
• How will you feel about that?
   
• Can you think of something you can do or say so those things won’t happen?

Help your child make good decisions and he’ll develop an inner strength, and less need to succumb to the pressures of doing what he doesn’t want to do, from “friends” he really doesn’t want to have.

If we change the way we talk to kids, it will change the way they talk to us -- and to the peers who are pressuring them at school.

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5. Ask Why Kids Pick on Others

Your 10-year-old is whining because a classmate keeps calling him names.

You tell him to ignore him, walk away, and tell the teacher. He does those things, but walks away feeling sad, frustrated, and angry.

What can you do now? Ask:

• Why do you think your classmate needs to do that? Why else?
   
• How do you think he might be feeling inside?
   
• How do you feel when someone teases you?
   
• What can you do or say when someone does that?

Terry, age 10, found out that his classmate’s parents recently divorced, his mother lives in another state with his brother and he doesn’t get along well with his stepmother.

This insight helped Terry feel differently about the boy, and next time he called him a name, Terry disarmed him by saying, “Let’s be friends. I’ll teach you how to shoot baskets.” Today, these boys are best friends.

What a different outcome from simply ignoring him, walking away, or telling the teacher.

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6. Want Teens to Talk? Listen!

Do you worry about where your teen goes, what she does, and with whom?

Do you fear your child might get in with the wrong crowd? Start to smoke? Even try drugs?

You could threaten to ground her if she steps out of bounds -- but she may find a way to do what she wants -- when you’re not looking.

You could ask her directly where she’s going, and with whom? But she may think you’re intruding on her privacy. And would you know if she’s really telling the truth?

Research shows that teens who feel it’s safe to tell their parents what they do are less likely to engage in risky behaviors. How can you help your child do this?

• Listen -- really listen -- to what your child says. Then ask:
   
• “How do you feel about what you’re doing and where you go?”
   
• “What might happen next?”
   
• If she’s concerned, ask if she can think of something else she can do so she won’t feel that way.

Even better, start this before the teen years arrive.

Help you kids feel safe to talk about things important to them now, and they’ll likely feel safe to talk about things important to them later.

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7. What Makes Uncommunicative Teens Want to Talk

Your child always wanted to talk with you. He’s a teenager now. Does he still want to talk? One mom said, “Only if he wants to. But if I ask him questions, all I get is, ‘Nothin.’ ‘No one.’ ‘Dunno.’”

But what makes them want to talk?

Malik’s mom talks to him about his interests -- sports figures, pop artists. When they have problems in their lives, he wants to talk about that. This becomes a segue to talking about his problems.

When a well-known pop artist got into trouble over alleged inappropriate behavior with girls, Malik started talking about his feelings about girls. When another died from an overdose of drugs, Malik talked about the dangers of drugs.

Bill, 17, thought all his parents cared about were his grades, “Not what I cared about. It’s hard to confide in them how I feel about things.”

If you talk with your teen about what interests them -- without “What did you do?” “Who did you do that with?” and “Why did you do it?” -- you might be less likely to hear “Nothin,” “No one” and “Dunno.”

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8. Going to High School for the First Time: A New Transition

Your child is about to enter high school, a whole new world from the one he has known.

You want to help him, but how?

You can tell him about new academic demands, and explain how to resist pressure from peers to do things he doesn’t want to do. But will he hear a word of this?

Instead, ask:

What makes you feel excited about going to high school soon? What makes you feel worried, anxious?

Ok. Let’s talk about these things.

When you feel stressed, what can you do to solve the problem?

Make it safe for your child to tell you what’s on his mind, and he will.

If you help your child think about how he feels about going to high school, he’ll be better able to take control of his life -- and not let life take control of him.

And by turning problems into problems that can be solved -- he’ll feel less stress and to better in his new school.

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As mentioned above, Nicole Gordon, at (609) 341-5059 will be happy to assist you with further information about the services offered by the New Jersey Juvenile Justice Commission, or go to www.njjjc.org.